Its Raining Outside

Today I almost had to take 2 exams. By that I mean I thought I had 2, really only had 1, and spent the whole day stressed about nothing because the first one was at 9:30am. I guess in the end this is a good thing because I'm super prepared for the actual exam on Thursday...still annoying though.

I've been thinking a lot today about friendship, being good enough, and the state of the world. The last one is just a constant in my life, the state of things everywhere is always in the back of my mind. I could be the happiest I've been to date and it would still be sitting there like a black hole sucking on my mind. There's so much to be done, so much that could be done, so much that I don't have the ability to do, so much that I want to do, and so much that continues to happen no matter how many people say "stop." Something I've struggled with in the past year has been the notion of "doing enough." Truly, what does all of the resistance do?

I can go to protests, I can send emails to my representatives, I can send money and spend time and cry tears and lose hair over everything that's happening but in the end its still happening. I know and actively recognize that feeling like this, being so frustrated, is a direct consequence of my privilge. Being able to feel exhausted and frustrated now, instead of years ago is an incredible privilge. It's soul crushing all the same.

I want to see things change actively for the better. I can't stand waiting for the legal system and government of this country to just decide to change. It kills me that I can't do anything to get that. I don't know what to do with it, so I keep doing what I've been doing no matter how frustrated I am because its the only thing I feel that I can do.

I guess all of that goes into being enough as well. Feeling like you're doing good and recognizing your own success are so damn hard. Especially when it comes from all angles. I was feeling this today HARD; when I started working on a project for one of my classes and immediately hit a roadblock with just running the existing files for the project.I am getting a whole degree and I can't figure out how to run the files?? I'm like 2 months from being a whole graduate, having an entire Bachelor's degree in this shit, and I can't download the required libraries?

I've never had an internship, I can't even run the code for this project. I have no idea where to start and have no clue what I'm really doing and -- maybe I was just hungry. Whatever. Maybe after I ate lunch I felt better and actually made progress. Whatever. But for reals, its so hard to have a feeling of personal success when the bar for it, as set by your own mind, is perpetually out of reach. I need to have more time, always. For everything. I need more time to do everything I have to so that I can use the rest of my actual time to do the things I want.

My other gripe of the day has to do with friendship. I spent a semester abroad in Ireland, it was the best thing I ever did. But, when I came back my life what flipped. I had just spent months becoming friends with all of these people, the only people who really knew me in those months, and then we all scattered. I came back home and everyone I was friends with before going has changed in the past 6 months, and so have I. I didn't fit with them and I didn't have access to the people I fit with now. Even a year later it still feels like this.

My mom puts a lot of emphasis on being the "planner" friend. She talks about it as such a great thing, but in reality it just feels like no one cares enough. I sit and go huh I want to hang out with ___ and then text them to set something up (most times), but hardly ever do I get a text like this myself. Actually, basically never. It all feels so one sided and shallow, I just don't have the connections to people I once did (for various reasons) and I want the same level of connection back, even if its not with the same people. The issue I keep facing is that I'm the one having to put in the effort to maintain the connections. There's not a single passive, just consistent, easy friendship in my life right now. Sure there's constants, people that are around no matter what, but like...tbh not the same.

In all, I think the grey rainy day is just amplifying it all. The powers that be heard me and sent me a bunch of people to cross paths with randomly throughout the day. I got an email that I was recommended as a graduate student to my university and got to chat with so many people I hardly ever see. It's a nice reminder that things are not always as they seem from in my head. Still upset about being the "planner" friend, no one wants to hang out unless I want to hang out first. It kills me lowk.

And another thing, I wish everyone could understand the references I make to things that happened. Becuase it would just be so much easier and funnier to everyone if they just knew.

Upon further inspection (a few days later, I didn't put this up bc I thought it might be melodramatic of me), I felt so bad and so unlikable and the universe sent so many people across my path. I'm not religious but damn do I believe that the things you need will come to you.